How Practicing Self-Compassion Helped Heal My Perfectionism
Growing up, I was that kid who'd always get straight A's.
Many people would think that it came easy to me, but in reality, I achieved by being hard on myself. I was my own worst critic. Maybe you might resonate with this: feeling like the world was ending when you failed to live up to your own expectations.
For the longest time, my grades were what defined me and gave me value.
In this article, I share the story of how I discovered self-compassion – in a university class, of all places – and 3 simple steps to get started on your own healing journey.
I remember when this compulsion to perform was at its highest.
It was my first semester as a junior (3rd year) transfer student in the States.
I chose to do a 2+2 American degree transfer program in my local university so I could graduate without student debt. What I didn’t expect is how stressful the whole transfer experience would be.
I didn't know how anything worked. What the exams were like, the grading system, the difficulty level — everything was so new to me!
Yet, I was hard on myself, because I expected myself to know better. Even though it felt like I was coming in as a freshman, I wasn't. In two years, I would be graduating.
So among the craziness of flying, moving in to my dorm, and battling jet-lag, all I could think about is: “How can I continue to perform well in my classes?”
That was the priority above all else. It took a toll on me – mentally, emotionally, and physically.
Then one day, my life changed.
We were introduced to the concept of self-compassion in class.
The class was called Psychology Preceptorial, and my professor had a very unique approach to it. The whole class was anchored on one concept: Self-Compassion.
I remember the first moment I read about this concept. It was a journal article on 'The Role of Self-Compassion in Our Well-Being' — and I was instantly hooked.
Reading about self-compassion felt like a breath of fresh air.
I learned that self-compassion is about…
treating ourselves with kindness,
being mindful of our thought & feelings, and
recognizing the humanity of our experiences.
It was such a huge perspective shift for me to think of compassion this way — of how it could be reflected upon ourselves.
Growing up, I only knew how to offer compassion to the people around me, while often having my own needs and feelings take a back seat to everyone else’s.
It felt so exciting to think about self-compassion this way, and I was eager to get started…
But practicing self-compassion wasn't as easy as I thought it would be.
In theory, I knew what self-compassion was. I knew how it should be practiced. But it was SO much easier said than done.
I'd try to be less hard on myself for assignments… But I'd stay up to 12am making sure it was nothing less than perfect.
I'd tell myself to take the weekend to spend time with my friends… But the whole time I was with them, I was filled with guilt, thinking that I should be studying instead.
How do you begin to change 20 years of negative self-talk when it's so deeply ingrained?
Deep, deep down, I still believed that everything was within my control. If I just worked, tried, and focused hard enough, I could be perfect – and I could avoid all those yucky feelings of failure and rejection. Of not being good enough.
Then my professor said something in class that really stuck with me:
"Think of self-compassion as treating yourself with the same kindness & compassion that you would a friend."
Then it finally clicked.
That became my benchmark whenever I had an ongoing inner dialogue. I'd ask myself: “Would I say this to someone I cared about if they were going through the same thing?”
The answer was always No.
When I was at the peak of my anxiety during our mid-term examinations, I tried my hardest to speak to myself the way I would've spoken to a friend:
“Let’s just test things out so you know what to expect next time. Even if you don’t do well, it’s OK.”
I got all A's that semester — but for the first time, that didn't feel like the biggest accomplishment.
Being kind to myself felt like I could finally breathe after 20 years of holding my breath.
It felt so liberating to finally give myself permission to be human.
When the semester ended, I went up to my professor and gave her my sincerest thanks. I told her how learning self-compassion helped me embrace the humanity of my circumstances.
A lesson I've since carried with me through life.
Photo by Benjamin Davies on Unsplash
It's been five years now, and I've come so far from when I first started this practice.
Now, self-compassion feels almost like second nature to me, as I've slowly learned what it means to me and what it looks like in my everyday life.
If you're just starting out on your self-compassion journey as a recovering perfectionist (like me), I’d like to share 3 steps that helped me put it into practice:
Step #1: Seeing myself as a friend
Everything started to change for me once I started seeing myself as a friend.
When I look at my friends, I see fully capable human beings doing their best. I would never say harsh words or impose perfection onto them when they’re struggling — yet, I would do that to myself.
Practicing self-compassion for me is the act of unlearning those unrealistic expectations I have of myself, and learning to see & accept myself as I am.
Every time I make a mistake, I take it as an opportunity to remind myself:
“I too am a fully capable human being doing my best, and I don’t need to be perfect all the time.”
Once I learned to see myself as a friend, I started…
Step #2: Getting to know my inner critic
My inner critic is the voice in my head that is always harsh towards myself.
It’s such an ingrained part of me that I couldn’t even tell when it’s there. So, I learned to practice identifying and being aware of it. I paid attention to my actions and how I’m feeling.
One example is by reflecting on past events, such as: “Why do I feel like I regret locking myself up in my room the whole weekend just to finish up my assignments?”
Moments where I feel conflicted are usually good indicators of when my inner critic has been activated.
I would sit with myself and explore the narratives that I’ve been unconsciously telling myself: “What does my inner critic believe?”
For example, from the moment above, I learned that my inner critic doesn’t believe that rest is productive. And this awareness would then help to inform my actions moving forward.
With this awareness, I would then move on to…
Step #3: Changing my critical self-talk
Once I was able to identify my inner critic, I was able to work on reframing my critical self-talk.
I would ask myself: “As a friend, what would I say to myself?”. This would look like…
Reminding myself that life isn’t just about achievement;
Telling myself that my grades don’t define me;
Forgiving myself for being so hard on myself; and
Feeling my emotions but also taking it as a learning opportunity on how I want to show up for myself in the future.
In essence, practicing self-compassion was “being there” for myself, just like I would be there for a friend.
It felt uncomfortable and disingenuous at the beginning, especially as my inner critic fought back a lot.
But the more I practiced it, the more I started to believe the truth in my words, and learned to find comfort in my own presence.
In conclusion, self-compassion starts by acknowledging our own humanity.
I believe this is what it boils down to: Recognizing that our emotions are human, making mistakes is human, facing loss and disappointment is human — and simply accepting that there are many things not within our control.
The moment we acknowledge that we are not alone in these experiences, we start to learn what we can control – our thoughts and our actions.
That's where there's space for imperfection and kindness. Gentleness and accountability. Both for ourselves and others.
Because at the end of the day, we're ALL just humans … doing the best we can, with what we’ve been given. ◆
How To Human explores the different facets of humanity through the lens of stories and lived experiences.
Written by Gwen Lyne, edited by Shawn Cheng and Gwen Yi.